Guess what, +
Dwell yourself on a hole of destructive and sceptical thought every night is not a good habit to have; either people will blame you for ‘over-exaggerating’ or ‘over-reacting’ or people will come to you and cry with you. It does not matter which one, it still a bad thing to keep. Men* if you do not have anything to do except staring at your plain ceiling in the dark and wondering how to lose your weight fastly, you do not have much choice.
Halla**, this is me being a weeb*** with my limited Norwegian vocabulary just because I am currently watching a Norway TV show.
Special post, because tomorrow is my birthday (I am typing this on Sunday) and my homework are somehow already done.
Anyway.
I can not help but think, when I was walking to bathroom earlier, that birthday is bringing us a step closer to a possible devastating future. We aged, and along with it, people will increase their expectation on us, and eventually we will just live to pleased other people. Those optimistic people will say that pleasing people actually can please our-self as well, but, hey, I do not want to be a doctor just for a job. If I am a doctor, it means that I love it, I like being one with those bloody organs and I think that every detail of human vein is beautiful and interesting. I am a doctor not because people tell me to do so. In short, I want to do something because I like it, not because I have to and forced to do it.
But the thing with future and such things in my country (and perhaps other country as well?) that they have some kind of standard. You are good if you are a doctor, or engineer. You are good if you enrolled in this school. You are good if you are smart at mathematic and science. And blah, blah, blah, I think this issue is familiar.
Back to birthday.
Birthday; birth and day, and according to my own definition is: a freaking particular day when everyone celebrate your birth at the same date when you are born. It is important, for some people, and they will throw a party and congratulate the person who is having their birthday.
When we are older, people expect us to be more mature. It is the time when a number is suddenly so important and settling all of our behaviour. If you are twenty five, most people will raised their eyebrows if you buy a large set of Barbie house. It is suddenly wrong if you play under the rain, all wet, when you are thirty years old. You act like a child, they will say. With this examples, I feel like aging up is n-
MY LAPTOP JUST TURNED WHITE ONE MINUTE AGO AND I CAN’T TURN IT OFF FOR GOD’S SAKE I HAD TO OPEN THE BATTERIES AND FORCED IT TO TURN OFF SHIT I SHOULD GET THIS SHITTY LAPTOP TO THE SERVICE CENTRE ISTG-
I feel like aging up is not fun. You will meet a lot of restrictions, a lot of do nots, a lot of weight put in your shoulder.
The reason why I write this in the first place, actually, is because everyone around me is not acting like themselves. Not that I know the true them, though, but being with them now is not that fun any more. There will be a saying in some point that ‘you are older now, Alice, so you have to this and this and realise that this is this’ and other shits.
Yes, I realise and understand that being older mean more responsibility. I know that. This is contradict to what I have said earlier but it is incorrect to say that I do not realise that. But I want to be me, I still want to play under the rain when I am thirty. I do not want to act like I like wearing tight blouse and stocking when what I want to wear is just T-shirt and a pair of shoes. Well, with a pants on, please.
I know that I have bigger responsibility, bigger problems to solved, bigger goal to achieve. But age is just a number. You can be a super star in sixteen years old while the sixteen years old me is mastering nothing.
And I do not want to change. Like people around me. I hate change. I do not know why. Perhaps it is just me being a coward. Perhaps it is just me being lazy. I do not know.
So. Congratulate me, I do not mind. But I just do not understand the meaning behind that greeting any more. Maybe if you ask the fifteen years old me, maybe I will just say ‘thank you’ to the people who wish me a happy birthday. Ah, and I am sorry. These days I do not really mean the birthday I said to people. It is just a requirement, it is what people usually do.
Or you can see it like this: the congratulation is just a warn, from everyone who wish you one. A warning about what? It is only you who can interpret that. Unless the person had said it clearly (like, “Happy birthday, I hope you get your grades higher this year.”) the meaning of the wish is limitless. Happy birthday, today is your unlucky day because you are an accident. Happy birthday, today is the day when you will get bullied because it is your birthday. Happy birthday, because I love you. Happy birthday, because you are closer to death now. And hundreds more meaning behind the word ‘happy birthday’.
Aside from the birthday topic, I have realised that I can not write straight. This writing is already out of tangent. The thesis statement is not clear; heck it is not even there at the first place. The connection between each paragraph is not good. Hell, I need to fix my formal writing.
Lastly, I am sorry if this writing is offending you at any level. And if you do not understand the point that I wanted to show here, do not ask me. If you do not understand, just get out from this blog and do not comeback, okay. You will not miss anything interesting. This is just a ramble, after all.
Ha det.**** See you later if I feel like updating this blog again.





*Men: But
**Halla: Hello
***Weeb: Google it. Urban dictionary knows.
****Ha det: Goodbye

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+ posted on 20170416 at 23:40
screw everything +
I am pathetic; a miserable, sorrowful, and another adjective that can describes me right now.

When the tears were shed, it wasn’t spilled out by my own eyes. It was not mine. But I could sense a heavy tension in the air. Hung like a personal cloud on every person’s head. Something’s up. I knew it.

When people started to rise up to their feet and the tension was not as heavy as before, I stood up, and my legs felt like shaking. Something’s up. And then choices appeared after my eyes. Apologize, or not? 

It was never like this. I was afraid. Of something I didn't know. My legs felt like jelly, I couldn’t stand still, my head was dizzy, and I realized that my hands trembled. It was never like this. I wasn’t being me, I realized that later. Later, when I regretted the choice I choose.

I didn’t even sure that this is necessary. I kept telling myself that it’s not worth my tears, and, somehow I was proud that I can fool myself. But deep down in my heart I was crying and shouting. Screamed. For something that I couldn’t change anymore.

I was a fool. I fell and I couldn’t get up. I fell and I let myself scattered inside the pit. I fell and I refused people’s offered hand to me. I let myself fall. It couldn’t be worse than that.

Was it that hard? To stood up and simply say, “Hey, I’m sorry for...”

 Yes. It is hard. 

Somehow the time to brought me back to my feet was coming, but I didn’t grasp the chance. The cries were now useless. I had time to make it up, actually, but that was a perfect time to apologize. And I choose the second choice.

I missed the chance. I regretted it so much.




March, 31st 2016
I hate myself.

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+ posted on 20160331 at 20:54
Hello +
So.

I really want to write about my early December holiday, but something else caught in my mind and I think the holiday thing can wait.

This is another crap of mine, haha, and I don't even sure I want to write this here.




So, is it wrong to not wanting for a change?

And please forget the grammar, thank you.

I am 17 years old now; everyone in my family speaks about my future; my future occupation, my future university, my future life. And, plus, they talk about maturing.

Mature is a qualitative thing, they can't be measured by scales. Each person in this world has the different opinion about maturing.

17 is the age which is considered as a mature age.
We can get our drive license, our identity card, and we can vote as well in this age.

At this point I don't even know what I'm going to write.

So, I am growing up, and everyone else is too. Everyone keep talking about the uni, about how their future life; well, I am excited about that too, but then suddenly it is like they are leaving me alone.

You don't understand what I mean, do you?

Someone said that when we grow up, we left our childishness, became more rational, didn't play around, and, once again, became maturer.

But what if I don't want to do that?

This particular friend said that they didn't interested in this thing anymore; and by this thing is the thing that we used to like.

Well, I know that someone can be bored with something, and I don't blame them for that.
It is just me, who suddenly feel like I am being left out and they shout: 'please, if you can't be a mature person, don't join us.'

I KNOW change is good, change is just a different perspective, change is needed. But everytime I tried to escape my comfort zone I failed.

Why everyone is changing, why everyone is leaving me, why?

Laugh out loud, I know that this is just some of my imagination but I can't help to think about this. This kind of thing is always eating me up and I don't know how to get rid of it.

It is NOT like they leave me, right? They are not. But I can't help to feel like that.

Let's use an example.

Let's said that I liked to play with dolls. (I am not)
And when I get older, everyone says that "Oh, please. Playing with dolls is just for kids! Grow up, will ya?"
But I don't want to dislike dolls, because it makes me happy and forget about my problems and helps me from stressed myself out.
But when you grow older, you can't just ignore what the world says about you, right? Like, in society, your talking skills are needed, otherwise you will have trouble with making friends. The world says "bitch please, if you can't talk to me, you better go."

And the world says playing with dolls is just for kids.

So, is it wrong to feels like the world is leaving me alone because I am not a kid anymore but I still like to play with dolls?

Some people will say, "Be yourself, be honest, don't think about what people say about you, as long as you are in the right way."
But it is very hard to do, you know. With this kind of anxiety, ignoring what people said will make it feels more lonely.

Plus, if your best friend who used to like playing dolls with you said: "Uh, I don't really like doll anymore, sorry." what will you do? What will you feel?

Well, each person has different way of thought, anyway.

So back to the topic, is it wrong to not wanting for a change? I mean, I can be more mature, but I don't want to leave my childhood liking, because it's what I like for a long time and abandon it is just doesn't feels right in my opinion.

In another word, I don't want to leave my comfort zone. In this case, it is not I am afraid for the changes, but I'm sure I will miss it a lot and I don't know if I can find another stress-relieve.

DONE.

I am so done with myself, to be honest, and I don't know how to change myself. I'm too lazy. /snorts/

Anyway, I make this post not to offend anyone, this is just my thought, I blame myself for this, not you.

I am upgrading my laptop to Windows 10 right now and I can't think straight.

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+ posted on 20151221 at 00:26
This Is Why I Hate Myself +
...why am I running...

I believe I talked about our school's anniversary... and the singing competition... I believe I already write about that on my older post.

And I'm running. Again. I don't know how many times I've been running from the reality. Why I'm so selfish, why I can't step out from my comfort zone?

Why I should accept their offer anyway if in the end I wouldn't do it?

Well, this is about a fucking pathetic behavior of mine, which is always running away from the problem that I have to face. It's not counted as a problem actually. Is that performing a keyboard show in front of the school a problem? Is ask for a forgiveness a problem? Is doing an interview a problem?

I've been like this since I don't know when. When I feel that I can't do something, I will do everything I can to avoid it. Like this recent problem, for example.

I was asked to do the instruments for the singing competition, and soon I figured that the instrument was too hard for me to do. It's not that hard, actually. I just need some improvisation and this and that... but my mind and my heart already refused to do that so I found myself tell my friends that I can't do the instrument.

Can you understand it?

It feels like the 'must-do-the-instrument' thought is whirling in my mind and stressing me out. Then I will spacing out (like I did in front of my keyboard this noon). And the thought will haunt me every time.
I nearly make myself had a fever on purpose yesterday.

This is why I hate myself; I think too much.
Then it will stressed me out and it will affect on the other things such as my studies and all.
And I will try everything to not do the related activity.

Did I ever tell you? I once cut my right palm just because I didn't want to join the volleyball team for the after-exam activity back then on junior high school. And I close to be sick yesterday because I sat down half naked in front of the fan after I took a bath.
Well it tells that I would do literally anything to free myself from the unwanted situation.

Ah it reminds me that I quit the paskibra club not because its physical training. I just couldn't stand the pressure and the whole thing that always made me don't want to go to school almost everyday in my half first year of high school.
I can stand the physical thingy. I can stand up in the middle of the rain for two hours straight, I can do the push up.

So what can I do?

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+ posted on 20150216 at 22:01
It's Like My World Come Crashing Down and Other Random Feelings +
So... My corrupted hard disk is affected me too much. I don't know why, but I'm not updating the KPop updates lately and I don't have any urge to write anything since my HDD is corrupted. Well, I don't expect that it would influenced me so much. But, this random actions of mine, is this really because of my broken HDD? Idk if this laziness phase is normal, tho.

Anyway, sooo much works to do this semester. My art teacher told us this morning to make a Musical Drama (and my class was having a intense debate about who's the director and such) and my Indonesian teacher also told us to do a short movie project. Besides, my school anniversary is coming this month and the whole school is busy with the preparations. We're having a singing competition between the classes, and a 'the clean-est class' competition, along with the 'most beautiful class'.

SIGH.

EVERYONE TURNED THEIR ATTENTION TO ME JUST BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND ABOUT MUSIC AND ARTS.

About this singing competition, they randomly yelled my name, just because I can play the piano and they need someone to do the instrument. About the Musical Drama project they randomly say my name just because I know how to play music too. About the short movie project they randomly say my name because I can write the script.

It's not like I'm not grateful for the gifts (yeah, whtver) but look at them when they don't need my help.

=_=

And just a while ago my friends started to blame everyone why our classmates couldn't be as one, why everyone didn't go to this singing practice, and other things.
I don't know, lah, too tired to response.

Let's just move away from this topic. I have other things to do, like finishing my BL manga list.

Or let's just end this post!

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+ posted on 20150213 at 21:03
☚ older