...why am I running...

I believe I talked about our school's anniversary... and the singing competition... I believe I already write about that on my older post.

And I'm running. Again. I don't know how many times I've been running from the reality. Why I'm so selfish, why I can't step out from my comfort zone?

Why I should accept their offer anyway if in the end I wouldn't do it?

Well, this is about a fucking pathetic behavior of mine, which is always running away from the problem that I have to face. It's not counted as a problem actually. Is that performing a keyboard show in front of the school a problem? Is ask for a forgiveness a problem? Is doing an interview a problem?

I've been like this since I don't know when. When I feel that I can't do something, I will do everything I can to avoid it. Like this recent problem, for example.

I was asked to do the instruments for the singing competition, and soon I figured that the instrument was too hard for me to do. It's not that hard, actually. I just need some improvisation and this and that... but my mind and my heart already refused to do that so I found myself tell my friends that I can't do the instrument.

Can you understand it?

It feels like the 'must-do-the-instrument' thought is whirling in my mind and stressing me out. Then I will spacing out (like I did in front of my keyboard this noon). And the thought will haunt me every time.
I nearly make myself had a fever on purpose yesterday.

This is why I hate myself; I think too much.
Then it will stressed me out and it will affect on the other things such as my studies and all.
And I will try everything to not do the related activity.

Did I ever tell you? I once cut my right palm just because I didn't want to join the volleyball team for the after-exam activity back then on junior high school. And I close to be sick yesterday because I sat down half naked in front of the fan after I took a bath.
Well it tells that I would do literally anything to free myself from the unwanted situation.

Ah it reminds me that I quit the paskibra club not because its physical training. I just couldn't stand the pressure and the whole thing that always made me don't want to go to school almost everyday in my half first year of high school.
I can stand the physical thingy. I can stand up in the middle of the rain for two hours straight, I can do the push up.

So what can I do?

Labels: fuck off