I am pathetic; a miserable, sorrowful, and another adjective that can describes me right now.

When the tears were shed, it wasn’t spilled out by my own eyes. It was not mine. But I could sense a heavy tension in the air. Hung like a personal cloud on every person’s head. Something’s up. I knew it.

When people started to rise up to their feet and the tension was not as heavy as before, I stood up, and my legs felt like shaking. Something’s up. And then choices appeared after my eyes. Apologize, or not? 

It was never like this. I was afraid. Of something I didn't know. My legs felt like jelly, I couldn’t stand still, my head was dizzy, and I realized that my hands trembled. It was never like this. I wasn’t being me, I realized that later. Later, when I regretted the choice I choose.

I didn’t even sure that this is necessary. I kept telling myself that it’s not worth my tears, and, somehow I was proud that I can fool myself. But deep down in my heart I was crying and shouting. Screamed. For something that I couldn’t change anymore.

I was a fool. I fell and I couldn’t get up. I fell and I let myself scattered inside the pit. I fell and I refused people’s offered hand to me. I let myself fall. It couldn’t be worse than that.

Was it that hard? To stood up and simply say, “Hey, I’m sorry for...”

Yes. It is hard. 

Somehow the time to brought me back to my feet was coming, but I didn’t grasp the chance. The cries were now useless. I had time to make it up, actually, but that was a perfect time to apologize. And I choose the second choice.

I missed the chance. I regretted it so much.




March, 31st 2016
I hate myself.