Dwell yourself on a hole of destructive and sceptical thought every night is not a good habit to have; either people will blame you for ‘over-exaggerating’ or ‘over-reacting’ or people will come to you and cry with you. It does not matter which one, it still a bad thing to keep. Men* if you do not have anything to do except staring at your plain ceiling in the dark and wondering how to lose your weight fastly, you do not have much choice.
Halla**, this is me being a weeb*** with my limited Norwegian vocabulary just because I am currently watching a Norway TV show.
Special post, because tomorrow is my birthday (I am typing this on Sunday) and my homework are somehow already done.
Anyway.
I can not help but think, when I was walking to bathroom earlier, that birthday is bringing us a step closer to a possible devastating future. We aged, and along with it, people will increase their expectation on us, and eventually we will just live to pleased other people. Those optimistic people will say that pleasing people actually can please our-self as well, but, hey, I do not want to be a doctor just for a job. If I am a doctor, it means that I love it, I like being one with those bloody organs and I think that every detail of human vein is beautiful and interesting. I am a doctor not because people tell me to do so. In short, I want to do something because I like it, not because I have to and forced to do it.
But the thing with future and such things in my country (and perhaps other country as well?) that they have some kind of standard. You are good if you are a doctor, or engineer. You are good if you enrolled in this school. You are good if you are smart at mathematic and science. And blah, blah, blah, I think this issue is familiar.
Back to birthday.
Birthday; birth and day, and according to my own definition is: a freaking particular day when everyone celebrate your birth at the same date when you are born. It is important, for some people, and they will throw a party and congratulate the person who is having their birthday.
When we are older, people expect us to be more mature. It is the time when a number is suddenly so important and settling all of our behaviour. If you are twenty five, most people will raised their eyebrows if you buy a large set of Barbie house. It is suddenly wrong if you play under the rain, all wet, when you are thirty years old. You act like a child, they will say. With this examples, I feel like aging up is n-
MY LAPTOP JUST TURNED WHITE ONE MINUTE AGO AND I CAN’T TURN IT OFF FOR GOD’S SAKE I HAD TO OPEN THE BATTERIES AND FORCED IT TO TURN OFF SHIT I SHOULD GET THIS SHITTY LAPTOP TO THE SERVICE CENTRE ISTG-
I feel like aging up is not fun. You will meet a lot of restrictions, a lot of do nots, a lot of weight put in your shoulder.
The reason why I write this in the first place, actually, is because everyone around me is not acting like themselves. Not that I know the true them, though, but being with them now is not that fun any more. There will be a saying in some point that ‘you are older now, Alice, so you have to this and this and realise that this is this’ and other shits.
Yes, I realise and understand that being older mean more responsibility. I know that. This is contradict to what I have said earlier but it is incorrect to say that I do not realise that. But I want to be me, I still want to play under the rain when I am thirty. I do not want to act like I like wearing tight blouse and stocking when what I want to wear is just T-shirt and a pair of shoes. Well, with a pants on, please.
I know that I have bigger responsibility, bigger problems to solved, bigger goal to achieve. But age is just a number. You can be a super star in sixteen years old while the sixteen years old me is mastering nothing.
And I do not want to change. Like people around me. I hate change. I do not know why. Perhaps it is just me being a coward. Perhaps it is just me being lazy. I do not know.
So. Congratulate me, I do not mind. But I just do not understand the meaning behind that greeting any more. Maybe if you ask the fifteen years old me, maybe I will just say ‘thank you’ to the people who wish me a happy birthday. Ah, and I am sorry. These days I do not really mean the birthday I said to people. It is just a requirement, it is what people usually do.
Or you can see it like this: the congratulation is just a warn, from everyone who wish you one. A warning about what? It is only you who can interpret that. Unless the person had said it clearly (like, “Happy birthday, I hope you get your grades higher this year.”) the meaning of the wish is limitless. Happy birthday, today is your unlucky day because you are an accident. Happy birthday, today is the day when you will get bullied because it is your birthday. Happy birthday, because I love you. Happy birthday, because you are closer to death now. And hundreds more meaning behind the word ‘happy birthday’.
Aside from the birthday topic, I have realised that I can not write straight. This writing is already out of tangent. The thesis statement is not clear; heck it is not even there at the first place. The connection between each paragraph is not good. Hell, I need to fix my formal writing.
Lastly, I am sorry if this writing is offending you at any level. And if you do not understand the point that I wanted to show here, do not ask me. If you do not understand, just get out from this blog and do not comeback, okay. You will not miss anything interesting. This is just a ramble, after all.
Ha det.**** See you later if I feel like updating this blog again.
*Men: But
**Halla: Hello
***Weeb: Google it. Urban dictionary knows.
****Ha det: Goodbye
Labels: B-Day, fuck off, rambling
