My birthday is two weeks away. Not exactly two weeks; it is one week and five days away, to be exact. I don’t remember what did I want at my last birthday, but this year’s wish is actually very simple. It is simple yet it is complicated. I can not really do it, but, I can wish for anything in my birthday, right?
I want to go home. I want to go back at my secondary school days; the time when I ever cried at a short story in front of the class, the time when I can bring myself to cut my flesh open, the time when I thought I was crazy, but I am now is, actually, much crazier.
I want to go back and see you, next to my classroom, sitting on your brown desk, not looking up at me because you don’t realise me there. Perhaps I will patiently wait for you outside, until someone notice me and tell you that I am here. No, no, it will be too cliché, it’s cheesy as fuck, it’s not happening. Let’s change the situation.
I want to go back and see you, in front of me, laughing, with our circle of friends, whatever which one it is, and nothing bothered you except your maths exam, probably. The day when we were still under the same school was the time when problems were not as big as today. Nothing could be worried of except our grades, or how we get to colour our hair without being noticed by the teacher, perhaps. We would talk about nonsense in our chat-room; talking about weird animals, the latest memes, weirdest medical case that got viral, and maybe, it ever happened one time, sharing ghost stories.
But now everything bothered you; I wonder why I never see you happy in the chat-room any more. You talked about difficult exams, a weird, over-exaggerating friend, or-
Wait, I just scrolled down our chat-room and I think you are okay. For now.
Still, be happy, okay? Not for me, but for yourself, and because smiling and laughing are healthy. You can talk crap about your latest activity; the most boring one, the most happy one. This chat-room is for everyone inside it to released their pressure, to share about their day, to refresh ourself out.
And, to be honest, this is not what I intended to write.
My wish for my birthday is that I can turn the time, back to the day when I was still younger, a foolish teen girl that thought everything was going to be okay with not telling. I want to tell you, sooner, that I like like you, and value our day together for still being in the same school. Perhaps I can make up my mistake for encouraging me to go to that school; instead of going with whatever choice you want. Perhaps it will change everything.
If I can turn back the time, I will choose that moment, when we were in the final grade, not for studying harder for getting into the same school with everyone, but to make up my mistakes; the one that you even don’t realise and the other things that I have in my head.
But nothing can be came through at crying over spilt milk. I am here now, and you are miles away from here. I am typing in front of my laptop, without internet connection, and I don’t know what are you doing in this exact minute. Sleeping, perhaps, but I’m not sure.
And because I can not turn back the time, I really want to lie down in my bed, at my birthday day, not attending class and such. I just want to rest my body on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, with the noise from the fan playing in the background. My phone is in my hand, with internet connection, and I will stare at the messages that come through my chat-room one by one, sending me a merry birthday message, well, if someone send me one. The only thing I want to do is talking to you, via chat-room, just talking like usual; about nonsense things, without any pressure on.
But that wish is also can not be done because my birthday is in Monday and I have three important classes in Monday. Screw university life.
Perhaps I can just sneak in. Or not attending class for once. Since I never not coming in Monday classes.
I wonder…
5 April 2017
Labels: rambling
