The older I am, the crazier I become. Or, the older I am, the lamer I become? Last night I tried to cut my hand again but I somehow cringed at the fraction made between the blade and my skin. Laughing out loud, somehow I felt like a shit because I used to do it back then in secondary school? I even excused from a sport activity because ‘I accidentally got my hand sliced’ (but I heard someone didn’t buy it and accusing me as ‘a mad kid’ because they knew I cut my hand on purpose. But I don’t care any more.).
Why I cut again? Well, why not (nervous laugh). No, wait.
I got this crazy thought yesterday, when I lied down in my bed, couldn’t sleep thanks to my toothache. Then suddenly this slipped into my mind: what if I make another pain so perhaps I will focused on it more than this shitty pain in my mouth? Let’s try!
I didn’t have a blade, so I borrowed my room-mate’s instead. But then I got shaky hand? And I just managed a small, a very very small scar? And I felt like a freaking coward? Laughing out loud, thinking about it now, it is ridiculous enough to think that I am a coward because I can not sliced myself open by myself.
But, anyway, the pain got distracted. And I started to think that this is kind of a good idea as long as people don’t find the thin red line on my left arm. And, plus, it wasn’t that deep. I am still a chicken to actually make a deep, more painful wound.
Perhaps if I am on some point in the future and I looked back, the future me will yell at my ears ‘why don’t you go to the freaking doctor?’. Well, the one-minute-future me already shouting it everyday, though. The thing is I don’t have any spare time right now. Maybe I can go next week, but now? Not really. Got a lot of stuff happening and exam week is approaching. Maybe this is the best solution I can find right now? (nervous laugh)
Anyway, I am not depressed or such. And back then when I was in secondary school, I thought slicing up myself was fun. Ha ha ha ha, don’t look at my blog like that.
Let’s just pray for this week’s exam.
Labels: ???, rambling, random
