Play. Pause. Rewind. +
Play. Pause.

You open your eyes, very slowly, and stared to the empty ceiling above you. No, your mom is not there, she is not burning there like the Winchester's do. There is nothing there.

 But, suddenly you realize. Well, you have a sudden realization about yourself, it's great. 

 You was thinking about all those actions you'd make. All those distance you'd create. Suddenly you realize that it was not on purpose. 
Well, it was on purpose, but you didn't realize that it will become like that.

Rewind.

Can you? You can't.

Now you are separated by distance, a real distance, and you don't even know whether is that your fault or not. You blame yourself for everything, like usual.

Wait, you do a mutual conversation earlier, right?

But you don't think it will help?

What a pity.

Play. Pause.

You stare at your phone. Its light is too bright. Mini balloons keep popping up on the screen, containing words and sentences.

 Suddenly you realize that it was all about jealousy. You love it too much. It hurts.

What a hideous word.

You didn't think you will be ignored like that? It is not an ignorance, you, silly. It's all on your head. It's only in your head.

But, still.

You think it was your fault, aren't you?
Ah, as usual.

Rewind.

Can you? You can, but you don't want to.

Was that hurt? Yes? A lot? You did a great act yesterday, then. Congratulation.

Play. Pause.

 Rewind.

Oh, the cassette is broken.

No, no, it is not your fault, really.

What? You can't help it?

But there's no point in blaming yourself for everything and do nothing to repair that, sweetie.

What, I am cruel? Ho, didn't I tell you earlier?

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+ posted on 20160724 at 01:12
Sorry? :( +
I take 'talking' seriously, really. I don't know how to talk to people who I don't know too much -or should I say stranger? Nah, this is also including people who I don't chat with often.
The problem is, I think too much.
I don't mind helping my friend's works, really. Or cheer them up when they are sad, or solve their problems... But I think I have this thing with talking to people.
I'd rather spend my time to do the homeworks than tell people to.. to not fuck off with my friend.
I don't know... I don't know how to explain this jelly feelings, tho.
This gives a vibe that I don't want something to ruin my reputation, lol, but I swear, it's not that.
I just don't have the guts to fight people. Verbally, and physically, maybe? Words can speak louder than actions sometimes. I don't know, I don't know, and I'm sorry I can't help anything.
I think I just naturally a coward or something? I don't know.
Naturally awkward. Fine.

I don't want to be that friend who walks away when my friend gets into trouble, really :(
And now, knowing that I can't help my friend's problem because of my cowardness is bothering my mind.
I guess I can always spam the chatroom with tons of "I am sorry" stickers but, I think it will annoys everyone. And running here now is also one of my lack-of-courage.

It's only talk to the person who bothers her, really. But, then I think about how they will fight me back with their words, and how they will talk about that, and I just don't really want to run into another problem while solving problem. Okay, if you don't call this coward then what. I'm lacking of vocabulary here.
Because if I run into problem while solving problem, I will think about that again, and again, until it creates a knotty loop of negative-thinking of mine. Have I told you about how scared was I when my senior told me to do stuffs in angry tone? Lol, that's one of my high school nightmares and because of that I had an idea to not going to school for a week.
Blimey, Alice, what the heck have you done to yourself.

I love my friends enough to help their problems, really, but I'm not brave enough to jump out of my save-circle and making those depressing thoughts clouding my mind again :(
Sorry, I am really sorry.

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+ posted on 20160708 at 23:27
May, 15th 2016 +
Hello.
It's 7:28 when I write this. Still alone in the house. I'm eating Nissin's Spicy Ramen at the moment. I need to finish this by myself. The last time I ate this I can't bear its spicyness so I gave it to dad. This time I have no one to finish this for me.

And my dad isn't coming back home this noon! What a liar. He told me this noon that grandpa will get a surgery at 6 pm Bali time, and of course the whole family will be there to support him. I wish the surgery is running well. Hope nothing's serious happens.

And update about my condition in the house, I tried to get my friend sleep over at my place. Alone is fun but I feel a little bit lonely by now. But nobody actually comes here. What a liar. Guess what; right after writing that sentence I feel like don't want nobody to come here, lmao.

I bought my cats a bunch of fishes this morning. But I left it unguarded when I went to school because I'm an idiot. By the time I went home of course the cats finished all the fishes already. They need to bear with the catfood for dinner today.
And this evening I just realized that my aunt left a seasoned cooked fish in the refrigerator. And I can use that for my cat's breakfast tomorrow! Yay! I don't have to buy more fishes.

I will continue writing this later; I have dishes to do, and I need to study for my tomorrow's exam :(


Hello again. Continued at 10:54 pm.
Just now Tania chatted me, she said that my grandpa's surgery went well. I'm glad to hear that. And just now (again) I wonder how if my grandpa's gone and the whole family is on a intense chat about the inheritance. It's not like they won't get a part of it, but, as always, there will be some disagreement about things, so, it's just some random question of mine, lmao, but, well, it has some serious impact for the whole family actually.

This night the back of my knee is hurt again; not hurt like scar, it is more like, um, pain? It does happened every time when I got tired; like when after a hard PE session, and etc. And that reminds me, I got my left feet cramped yesterday morning. I almost couldn't get out from the bed, and almost tripped by the scrambled wires around my bed. Hahaha, and also my stomach doesn't feel right for this whole day, idk why.

Anyway, I got bread for breakfast today, and blended ice coffee milo for lunch, and an instant ramen for dinner. I just too lazy to cook something, and plus I don't want too much dishes to do. But in the end I ended up making too much dishes (to my liking) because I didn't wash my mug from this morning. And the blender. And the rice cooker. Nice.

And I actually didn't study at all, because I got distracted by 5sos's videos, hahaha. I was on tumblr and youtube all day, and I was like, watching a bunch of 5sos videos because I start to liking them. I don't know why I act like this, because, usually I take math seriously, lmao. But this time I even haven't touch the book yet.

I composed another song today, titled 'The Time'. I don't know, I just randomly played my keyboard, testing some notes, and then a melody came to my head, and I just added lyrics to it. I uploaded it on my Soundcloud account, as always.
The lyrics was about graduation. After listening to Jimin and Taehyung's 95 graduation, I always wanted to make a song about my own graduation. Since I don’t have any creativity left, I just make it one minute long, and the lyric was slightly talked about the graduation. Maybe I will continue this in 'The Time pt.2', hahaha. If only I can record it in more proper way, so it will be more beautiful.

Well, that's all for today, I think? I need to start reading my math note because there's no time left to do some actual question to practice. I don't want to sleep at 12:30 again. I need to wake up early tomorrow.

Speak about wake up early, I woke up at three thirty today, which is surprised me a lot more than yesterday. I managed to catch the early morning pray, and I still can browse my instagram account, and still can buy bread from nearby store, and managed to go to school earlier than my usual schedule.
And I also can bought fishes for my cat! So I think I just need to repeat that for tomorrow.
But during the first exam period, I got so very sleepy in the middle of exam, lmao. I nearly completely fell asleep in the class, but, thankfully, I wasn't.
So should I repeat the cycle again? Hahaha.

And, I just remember, my dad called this noon. He told me about the situation there; the intense conversation between the siblings, and this, and that, and the problem, and the hospital's fee, and everything. We talked so long, like, maybe nearly fifteen or twenty minutes long, I can't remember. Or maybe even longer than that.

Well, let's call it a day, and go have some nice sleep tonight.


Finished @ 11:22 pm

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+ posted on 20160524 at 21:13
March, 14th 2016 +
Hello.
It's 6:58 pm when I write this. I'm still alone in the house. Taking care of two different houses scared me a little, but I think I handle it well. The only thing that matter is the cats, because today I couldn't find any fishes for them, so they just eat the catfood for the whole day and I felt bad for them. Sorry, cats, but I will buy you some fish tomorrow.

I'm back to my morning schedule tomorrow, which is a convenience thing because if I had the morning schedule back today, I think I couldn't manage the time that well. Today is the last afternoon schedule, and I woke up at 4 am in the morning, which was a surprise for me because I slept at nearly midnight on the night before. Usually I will wake up around five thirty, haha.

I think because I was left with a responsibility that I'd never have before, I was a little bit taken aback because of that. I never left alone more than 48 hours before. Usually my parents will leave at morning, and they will come back around midnight or so. The difference with this time's is that I don't know when they will come back home.

Don't take it wrong, alone in the house is fun. I mean, I can do everything I want and nobody can forbid me to do so. I recorded a short vlog right after the whole family left, and I made a simple song at 11 pm. I could sing along with my 5 Seconds of Summer's songs when I did the dishes, and I could sing every time I want.

It just that when I can rule the whole house by myself, I need to manage it well. I mean, like, how much rice that I will cook in the morning; what will I eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner; what will the cats eat in the morning; and etc. I think it will be easier if there's only one house, but I got two houses on my first experience, plus 5+ cats on the second house, so if I handle one single house I think I can do it very well.

And I realized that I'm such an organized person. I mean, don't judge from my own messy room, haha. But I think I need to be scheduled all the time, like, what will I do first in the next morning? What will I do after that? I need to know my schedule for the whole day before I can sit back and relax.

I don't know if it can be considered as a panic attack, since it is followed by my responsibility to both houses, but I think I usually like this. It just making me a little bit worried if I can't keep track to my schedule well. How if I come late to school? How if I can't feed my cats before I go to school? How if I can't find any fishes for the cats?
Wow, wait, Alice, stop.

Actually it's a good thing to think about various probabilities, hahaha. But it's making me think too far and I will end up being pessimistic, lmao.

Oh, just now my mum called me. She told me that she hadn't take a bath for two days, haha. They were on Siloam Hospital, fourth floor, and they was accompanying my grandpa. The whole family was there; my two aunts, my two uncles, and my mum. She told me she would come home by tomorrow with my dad and my sister. The foods there are so expensive, they said. It was 27k rupiah just for a single glass of avocado juice, which is can be afford for only 5k rupiah in here.

Anyway, I can't deny that this thing is a little bit exciting for me-

Just now my uncle called me; my uncle which is live in Singapore; he asked if everything's okay here, and if I can handle this loneliness alone (what). It's sweet, you know, knowing that he didn't even need to worried for my condition, lmao. I think because it's such a big house, and his daughter had never left alone in the house before. I feel like I'm treasured for the first time in my life, lmao. No, don't be a drama queen, Alice.
Ok, let's continue.

Anyway, I can't deny that this thing is a little bit exciting for me, because I never experienced this, and this can't be happening twice, right? The borderline between my sadness and that excited feelings are very thin. I feel bad for that, really, I think it's such an inappropriate thing to be think about.

I don’t know if something's wrong with me, because I felt this way for almost every tensed event like this; like when someone's dead or someone's getting a serious illness. It is exciting for me, can't you feel the excitement, people? Am I being an emotionless person? Lol. It's not like I'm not sad, but I can't help this feelings.

Well, I need to settle many things here. I haven't take a bath yet, and I still have no dinner. I need to wash the dishes, and think about the next day's schedule.
Living alone is great, but the responsibility is just also great, sighs.

I don't know why I make this journal here, haha. I will leave this here, then.



Finished @ 8:01 pm

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+ posted at 21:09
Nyamuk +
Jika dipikir-pikir, sudah ratusan, atau mungkin, ribuan nyamuk yang pernah mengerubungiku sejak dulu. Atau jangan-jangan malah lebih? Sepertinya darahku sangat manis, mengundang nyamuk-nyamuk itu untuk datang dan menghisap sedikit darahku untuk nutrisi bagi telur-telur yang berada dalam ovarium mereka.

Aku hanya heran, kenapa aku tidak anemia. Yang ada malah aku darah tinggi karena marah-marah terhadap nyamuk-nyamuk kecil itu. Jangan salah, meskipun kecil, mereka cukup menyebalkan




Ah, maafkan coretan tidak jelasku ini.

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+ posted on 20140210 at 21:48
"Atheis" +
Ini duniaku.
Hanya ada aku dan akalku.

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+ posted on 20130219 at 21:15
Kokology +
Omona. Omona. Omona.

Did I say 'omona' three times?
Nope?
Okay, whatever.

I was facing an English Test this morning, and hoping that I'll pass the test and go to final!

It's not a test, actually. It's kind of... English competition which mainly used grammar for the question.
I'm suck at grammar, I know. Even I don't know if the grammar in this post is correct or not. Wahaha.

By the way, I'm downloading B1A4's Hello Baby right now. Again, hell yes, because I'm not done with it. It has 10 episodes update, but I just have 4 episodes. Too much  for the lateness(?).

Omona, my grammar.

And I'm reblogging Jinyoung's pre-debut pictures from AviateB1A4. Yooo, his face was still the same~ He's not taking the plastic surgery anyway. Eeh, as far as I know. He's still cute back then.
Of course lah! - -

And... One of my friends was giving a gift for her 'boy'. Why I am using apostropes because he wasn't her boyfriend in fact. Blah blah, puh-lease understand my complicated words. She LOVE him. And I think, SO MUCH. Yah, so much like I love my Lucifer Album, or my books.
She gave him a WATCH, an expensive one. And this time she gave him a T-Shirt. And what did he do with the watch? I think he just kept it safe on his wardrobe or somewhere else in his house. That's mean, he didn't wear it, and that was dissapointing.

WHATTHHEFFFWITTCHHA??

I will use it, ofcourse, if I'm the one who got the watch.

 IFF....

And now I want to go to my bathroom to take a bath. It's 5pm and I'm still on my unpleasant smell.

Wahaha

#end#

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+ posted on 20121124 at 17:21
Konbanwa! +
Ini sudah malaaaaaam~ Kenapa aku masih buka lappy karena aku masih menyelesaikan naskah untuk Drama B.Ind dan Seni Budaya. Kuputuskan untuk menyelesaikannya besok... Karena aku lumayan mengantuk sudah.
Biar besok 'kan aku dibantuin. Lagipula aku nggak tahu lanjutannya gimana. Aku bingung, nanti dibilang garing! -_____-

Dan hari ini funny to the max. Kenapa? Karena aku berkali-kali ketik nama si Koshi di naskah ini (Dia juga anggota kelompokku) dan aku ingat Bening, Era dan Friday berkali-kali :3 Hahaha, benci setengah mati, sampai nyaranin dia mati aja di naskah ini.

Lalu... Aku juga sadar aku nggak harus tahu segalanya.

Aku juga sadar aku ini nggak terlalu penting untuk sebuah percakapan penting.

Dan aku juga sadar aku jelek di matematika -___-

#end#


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+ posted on 20121112 at 23:11
Masih Banyak +

Yang nggak aku tahu...

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+ posted on 20121018 at 18:06
Night +

Ya... Mau malam...
Ini aku update dari HP, nungguin anak-anak nyelesaikan Fisika...
Mereka lagi nulis sambil cursing-cursing(?)... Aku cuma dengerin aja... Aku nggak nyalahin mereka, tapi aku biasa aja sih...

Tunggu, apaini.

Kita lagi bingung, nggak sih, mereka yang bingung, sama Listrik Dinamis... Aku nggak nyalahin mereka, tapi kenapa nggak dikerjakan dari dulu sih, minna...?

Iyaaa, aku tahu kita sibuk. Aku aja ngantuk akhir-akhir ini. Tapi...
Oke.

Dan satu lagi, kenapa atmosfer di sini... Awkward banget?
Iya, ini salahku tadi, ninggalin kalian lama banget di sekolah. Tapi kan aku ada kerjaan juga... Minna, sumimasen, tapi... - -

Hhh...
Aku menggunakan lagi sigh itu~

#end#

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+ posted at 17:49
☚ older