When I locked up my heart, I didn’t know when will I open it again. Maybe tomorrow, maybe later, maybe not. I throw away the key already, I didn’t see where it fell. Someone will find it and return it to me, or something will destroy it, and my heart will never be opened.
When I moved here, I told myself to do a different mindset. Challenge yourself, that’s what most people told us to do. I tried. But, then I felt like I’m faking it. It was not me. It was not Alice. And whenever that personality came up, the same question appeared again and again.
Is this what you want to be? A liar?When I tried to join the flow, I always asked myself first. Was this okay? Was this sounded fake? I tried to ignore the voices, but, they were always helplessly there. The thought clouded my mind, and, before I knew it, I fell into a dark, twisted, and endless pit of consumption.
What ifs.
What if, what if we run away?
It’s Troye Sivan reference, if you don’t know.
When will I think I survived this life? I don’t know. Probably tomorrow, probably later, probably not. I didn’t want to be the same Alice I did back in high school, but, then, I didn’t want to be the fake Alice I did in high school too.
I laughed but frowned inside. I grinned but cried inside. Even when I wrote it down, it sounded disgusting.
When I thought I had friends, I didn’t. Maybe it was only on the beginning, but, I felt the same pattern I’ve done in high school. Maybe everything will change, maybe tomorrow, maybe later.
Maybe not.
Still, I’m blaming myself for throw away the key. I tried to find it, but I don’t even know where it fell down.
When I locked up my heart, I didn’t think I’ll regret it later. I didn’t want to be like this, but, at the same time I endured myself too much. I didn’t want to be hurt. I wanted to stay in my comfort zone. I was a coward. And always.
When I knew I couldn’t last long with this mindset, I tried to find the key harder. But, tears had blurred my eyes too much. When I tried to wipe it away, it wet my glasses.
When I wrote this, I knew this will be another four hundred words of my useless ramblings.
Labels: rambling, university
