17 September 2017

I have responsibility to make my own life right. I feel like I don’t use that chance wisely. Yet. I think I am safe to assume that I have quite a long way to continue my living. I am just nineteen years old now; people normally die naturally at older age. Well, not like I can read the divine’s movement, though. If I am going to die tomorrow, it is okay, it is fine as heck. Oh why do we get so gloomy?

You know, I feel afraid. The thing with me is my brain tend to make everything seems bigger than it is actually. It only about cutting an onion right and my brain will make it like I have to cut the onion with the right angle, with the right choice of knife, with the perfect balance of symmetry between each cut. It is normal, I believe, it is normal to overthink. If I put it like that, it is perfectly normal, isn’t it?

But having it every day, for about four years in a row, is exhausting. I really want to do it like other people, who take new thing as a challenge for themselves, not as a threat. I want to sleep in the night without having to think about the next day, waiting for my world to crush down instantly just because I said something wrong on the previous day. I don’t want to stare up to my ceiling, thinking about my schedule, repeat it over and over, feeling like I want to quit everything I’ve done just because I think I can’t do it right.

Oh, everyone overthink! It is normal, isn’t it?

The thing with me, again, is I can look at myself as a third person. I can see what is going on inside me, and judge it without including my emotion in it, or at least judging with a very slight emotion if I can’t bear to look at my problem objectively. But that third person is still me, so it still judges me with my own understanding about things. I try so hard to be objective, even though it is I, so the result is me shutting down everything around me.

If I am sad, because of, let’s say, unrequited crush, this third person of me will say “oh, come on, this is your fault to not saying anything at the first place. This problem is made up by yourself and so you being sad will not helping anything.” And so I will try to stop being sad and shut the problem.

If I overthink something, let’s say, when an interview is coming, this third person of me will say “oh, come on, you just overthink. This is just a bloody interview, it will be all right. People overthink every day; don’t make this an excuse for you to have a depression or anxiety problem!” And so, I will try to breathe, in and out, go to sleep, and hoping that the interview will be okay.

You see, the whole thing inside my head is contradictory. On this side, I want to let my emotion out, I want to talk to people about the whole anxiety thing. But on the other side, I prevent myself to do that.

Even when I typed that, I started to think that everyone might be contradictory as well, and this is just me overthinking.

This whole anxiety thing is exhausting. I need myself to know how to cure this, but at the same time, I think this problem is too mundane to be talked with a counsellor.