I Ramble #2

It is kind of hard if we are in a situation without internet connection. My roommate ever says that she cannot live without internet, because she needs it. Up until now I haven’t buy a proper data for my phone’s internet (which is kind of a shame because when finally my phone is an iPhone but I have no internet connection in that phone) and she wonders how can I manage to, uhm, continue my life without internet.

In fact, there are a lot of things that can distract you from internet. A bunch of unwatched anime and TV series, for example. I actually enjoy my time without internet, really. I have a lot of e-books, a lot of animes, and I can write with peace.

It is nice, you know, running from your real life for a while and burry yourself in your own world. Locking yourself in your room with a fan on is not a preferable activity for most people, though, but for me it is great. Well, not always great, but it is, for most of the time.

Silent phone –without any vibrations from countless group-chats, or twitter’s notification—is calming. Unless you are expecting an important news, it is pleasant for having your phone off for a month or more.

Like, right now.

Even though I like my friends –I do like you so much, guys—but I still have this funny thing when I want myself to not communicating with them for a while. I am sorry, to be honest. Tuning out yourself from the world is like a drug for me; it’s addicting, I need to do it more often.

But I still like my friends. But I don’t want them to interfere. But I want to get to know them. But I don’t want myself to make the same mistake as I did before. Funny how things can be so contradict in a single person. I think I only making it up, don’t I? I don’t know anymore. The barrier between making it up and the real anxiety itself is very thin; it’s barely seen by a mundane.

Wait, what, why are we talking about anxiety? This tuning out thing is not counted as an anxiety; it’s just a mere bullshits, coming from a confused and angsty teenager who watch too much anime, TV series, movies, and a load of shits that are not real.

The thing is, I have a happy life –that’s what I think. Why I keep saying things like this to myself? Nice, this is what people call an attention seeker, isn’t it? It is horrible, you know, when you feel like there are a lot of eyes everywhere and feel like everyone is watching you wherever you walk. It is horrible, when you keep thinking your friends are talking about you behind your back. What if it’s real, what if actually they do talk about you; the way you walk, the way you move, the way you talk, the way you run from everything if possible, the way you— why am I being like this.